Coparenting coaching vs. therapy: Why the distinction matters
The words therapy, psychotherapy, counseling, and coaching are sometimes used interchangeably in everyday conversation. Clinically, however, they can represent very different purposes, particularly when the people involved are separated or divorced parents.
Therapy is a broad term generally referring to specific, individualized treatment intended to improve or alleviate a physical or psychological condition. Within the mental health field, psychotherapy is a form of treatment directed toward improving psychological or emotional functioning usually stemming from a diagnosable mental health condition.
Depending on the therapeutic approach and the individual's needs, psychotherapy may involve exploration of emotions, patterns of behavior, past experiences, trauma, attachment, interpersonal relationships, self-understanding, and the factors contributing to emotional distress. Other approaches may be much more focused on present-day symptoms, behavioral change, or specific skills.
But Is Therapy the Right Model for Co-Parents?
This is where the distinction becomes particularly important.
When two people are no longer a couple, the goal of their relationship is fundamentally different from what it once was. They are no longer trying to build an intimate partnership with one another. Instead, they are trying to develop a functional parenting relationship that allows their child to maintain healthy relationships with both parents.
For many separated or divorced parents, this requires learning how to move from being emotionally involved partners to being separate, appropriately bounded parenting partners.
That transition can be difficult.
There may be anger, disappointment, grief, betrayal, resentment, unresolved conflict, or a long history of relationship problems. Those issues can be very real and may deserve therapeutic attention. However, attempting to address those issues within the co-parenting relationship itself can sometimes have the unintended effect of keeping the parents psychologically engaged with one another as former partners.
In other words, the fact that two people have unresolved feelings about their former relationship does not necessarily mean that they need to resolve those feelings together in order to become effective co-parents.
In fact, sometimes the healthier objective is the opposite: learning how to stop requiring emotional resolution from the other parent.
But Shouldn't I Have a Closer Relationship With My Co-Parent?
Not necessarily.
There is a common assumption that good co-parenting means that parents should maintain a close, friendly, or even family-like relationship after separation. Certainly, some parents are able to develop that kind of relationship, and when it works well, it can be positive. But closeness between parents is not the same thing as healthy co-parenting.
In some circumstances, attempting to maintain a particularly close relationship can actually create additional challenges for children.
Children are constantly trying to understand their family structure. When parents have separated, they are often already working through questions such as: Are Mom and Dad still a family? Are they going to get back together? Is the separation really permanent? Do I have to choose between them?
Co-Parenting Is a Different Skill Set
Effective co-parenting does not require two former partners to become friends, agree on everything, forgive one another, or develop emotional intimacy.
It requires them to develop the ability to function effectively despite their differences.
Co-parenting coaching is therefore a non-clinical, skills-based service designed to help parents develop practical skills related to:
communication and information sharing;
managing disagreements;
reducing unnecessary conflict;
establishing appropriate boundaries;
making child-focused decisions;
distinguishing parenting issues from adult relationship issues;
responding rather than reacting;
managing difficult conversations;
navigating differences in parenting styles;
developing predictable processes for resolving disagreements;
keeping children out of adult conflict; and
maintaining the child's relationship with both parents whenever doing so is safe and appropriate.
The emphasis is not on changing the other parent. It is on helping each parent become more effective in the role they can control: their own.
The Child, Not the Former Relationship, Is the Focus
One of the most important shifts in co-parenting is learning to change the question from:
"How do we fix our relationship?"
to:
"How do we create a functional parenting relationship that serves our child?"
Those are very different goals.
A former couple may never resolve every disagreement about their relationship. They may never agree about what happened during the marriage. They may never have the same parenting philosophy. They may not even particularly like one another.
They can still learn to communicate appropriately, exchange necessary information, establish boundaries, make child-focused decisions, and reduce the degree to which their conflict affects their child.
Successful co-parenting is not necessarily the restoration of a close relationship between the parents. Sometimes it is the development of a healthy distance.
That distance can be particularly important following a high-conflict separation or divorce. The objective may be to create a relationship that is respectful, predictable, and functional without requiring emotional closeness.
Coaching Is Not a Substitute for Psychotherapy
Co-parenting coaching is not psychotherapy, and it is not represented as mental health treatment. No mental health diagnosis is made as part of the coaching process.
That distinction is intentional.
If a parent is experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma-related symptoms, significant emotional dysregulation, or another mental health concern that would benefit from psychotherapy, those issues may need to be addressed through an appropriate mental health treatment relationship.
In those circumstances, I am happy to provide appropriate referrals. A parent can participate in individual psychotherapy while simultaneously developing co-parenting skills through coaching. The two services can complement one another, but they serve different purposes.
Psychotherapy can help an individual understand and address their psychological and emotional health. Co-parenting coaching helps a parent develop the skills necessary to function effectively in their parenting role.
Those are not competing approaches. They are simply different interventions for different needs.
What Co-Parenting Coaching Is—and Isn't
Co-parenting coaching is not about determining which parent is right.
It is not about investigating the history of the relationship.
It is not about diagnosing either parent.
It is not about deciding custody or timesharing.
It is not about serving as an advocate for one parent against the other.
And it is not about forcing former partners to become friends.
Instead, it is about helping parents develop the skills to disengage from the former intimate relationship while remaining appropriately engaged in the parenting relationship.
For many families, that distinction is not merely a matter of terminology. It is the foundation of the work.
The goal isn't to make former partners emotionally closer. The goal is to help them become better parents together, while maintaining a healthy distance from one another.
Need help navigating parenting style clashes? Co-parent coaching offers tools to reduce conflict and build a functional partnership. Reach out today for more information.
