Loyalty Binds: What They Are and How to Protect Your Child
Loyalty binds are internal conflicts resulting from feeling torn between their love or loyalty to two people. Loyalty binds often happen when a child feels torn between two parents — especially when the parents are in chronic conflict. Children may feel like they have to choose sides, protect one parent’s feelings, or hide how they really feel to avoid upsetting someone. Even without words, children pick up on tension — and it can leave them feeling stuck, guilty, or anxious.
Being in a loyalty bind feels like being pulled in two directions — forced to choose between people you love, when all you really want is for things to feel safe and normal. It can create lasting emotional strain if not addressed with support, boundaries, and consistent reassurance.
Loyalty binds often happen when children are exposed to conflict between their separated parents. The child may feel pressure (direct or indirect) to choose sides, keep secrets, or act differently with each parent to avoid upsetting them.
Why Loyalty Binds Are Harmful to Children:
They place emotional stress on children who feel responsible for managing adult relationships
They can lead to identity confusion, low self-esteem, or chronic anxiety
They may cause children to suppress their own needs in order to please both parents
Over time, loyalty binds can erode trust, increase resentment, and damage the parent-child relationship
Common Signs of Loyalty Binds:
Feeling guilty for enjoying time with one parent
Avoiding talking about the other parent to "keep the peace"
Trying to protect one parent’s feelings at the expense of their own
Feeling anxiety, confusion, or sadness when transitioning between homes
Adopting different versions of the truth depending on who they’re with
How Children Experience Loyalty Binds:
Being in a loyalty bind can feel confusing, stressful, and emotionally exhausting — especially for a child who doesn’t have the tools or power to resolve the situation.
Here’s what it might feel like from the inside:
Conflicted Love
“I love both my parents, but they don’t get along. If I’m close to one, does that mean I’m betraying the other?”
“I’m scared I’ll hurt Mom’s feelings if I tell her I had fun with Dad.”
“If I say something good about the other house, will I get in trouble?”
“I just want everyone to be okay, but I don’t know how to help.”
A child in a loyalty bind may feel like showing affection or support for one parent will hurt or anger the other. They may try to hide their feelings or play down positive experiences to avoid upsetting someone.
Walking on Eggshells
“I have to be really careful about what I say — or I might make things worse.”
Children often become hyper-aware of their parents' emotional states, censoring themselves or lying to protect someone’s feelings. This can lead to anxiety and the belief that they’re responsible for keeping the peace.
Stuck in the Middle
“I don’t want to pick sides, but I feel like I have to.”
The child may be caught in a tug-of-war — emotionally or literally — between two caregivers. They might be asked to carry messages, take sides in arguments, or report on what happens in the other parent’s home. This creates pressure and confusion.
Guilt and Shame
“Maybe this is my fault. Maybe I’m doing something wrong.”
Many kids in loyalty binds internalize the conflict and feel responsible for the tension. They may carry guilt for enjoying time with one parent or for not being able to make everyone happy.
Mental and Emotional Exhaustion
“It’s too much. I just want everyone to stop fighting.”
Managing the emotional needs of two adults in conflict is too heavy a burden for a child. Over time, it can lead to emotional shutdown, withdrawal, depression, or acting out.
How to Reduce Loyalty Binds:
Your child’s emotional safety matters more than any disagreement. Reducing loyalty binds protects their sense of security — and their relationship with both parents. Here are some specific things you can do to reduce loyalty binds:
Avoid badmouthing the other parent or making children feel they must “choose” sides.
Support your child’s relationship with both parents; stay neutral about the other home even if you don’t agree with your co-parent’s parenting style.
Reassure them they don’t have to take sides, and that it’s okay to love both parents.
Keep adult issues between adults; don’t discuss contentious topics in front of the children.
Work on healthy co-parenting communication that reduces conflict and confusion.
Reassure them often: “It’s okay to love both of us. You don’t have to choose.”
Parents make the timesharing schedule. Don’t give children the responsibility of choosing which home to spend time in.
Keep adult conversations private: Don’t vent about the other parent around your child.
Avoid using your child as a messenger: Communicate directly with your co-parent.
Stay neutral when your child shares something about their time with the other parent.
Validate their feelings: Let them know it's okay to feel confused or upset sometimes.
Model respect: Even if you don’t get along with your co-parent, show calm and kindness in front of your child.
Sample script for reassuring your child
“I want you to know something really important: You never have to choose between me and your other parent. We both love you very much, and it’s okay for you to love both of us.
You might sometimes feel stuck in the middle, especially when things between us aren’t going smoothly. That’s not your fault. You didn’t cause any of the problems between us, and it’s not your job to fix them.
Your only job is to be a kid — to play, learn, grow, and feel safe and loved. If you ever feel confused or like you don’t know what to say or do, I want you to tell me. We can talk about it together, and I promise to listen without getting upset.”
Final thoughts …
Loyalty binds are not always obvious — but they are very real, and deeply impactful. Helping children feel emotionally safe and free to love both parents is one of the most protective things you can do during and after family transitions.
Need help navigating parenting style clashes? Co-parent coaching offers tools to reduce conflict and build a functional partnership. Reach out today for more information.
